Ah, here we are again, another late night post. (Is this healthy? Asking myself this question and answering, I'd say yeah, writing it down and getting it out kinda is.) I wonder if the title gives you an idea what this is gonna be about? Any thoughts? Yeah? No? It's alright, sit back and enjoy reading this word vomit I write for the lost, likeminded, wandering, for-answers-looking, curious ghosts because no one ever appreciates the written word anymore, let alone engage with it. Oh, the world we live in. I wish I could see the fear in your eyes. Maybe even look to the top to see how many minutes it would take you to even read this. You have a decision to make, don't you? What's it gonna be? Would this affect anything in your life? The way you think? Would this change the outcome of something? What if the time you spend, reading this will mess with something in your life. What if after you read this, you'll approach me differently. That is..IF. Did this little intro help you understand what text you are in for? Or did you give up on me already? To the ghosts that are sticking around and reading this, thank you, I appreciate you. You give my words worth, even if you don't exist. I thank you, for your decision. And this is what this text is about, decisions. (All the 'ifs' in here make a great subject for a different entry, but that one will have to wait.)
This is a topic I think about a lot, if you know me, this isn't coming as a surprise to you. Or maybe it is? Sometimes thinking about this, twists my insides, turns and tosses them like I have a bunch of rats playing around with my intestines. Let me ask you, sometimes, when you have a decision to make, do you look at a fork in the road and wonder about whether to take the left or right? That's how decision making is usually presented right? Not for me though.. Let me paint you a picture. For me it's like.. pure darkness and something invisible just choking the life out of me, while the rats in my stomach are going at it and my thoughts are turning into loud static sounds and flashes, trying to burst through my head and filling up the void around me, drowning me in it. Now you wonder, "why so dramatic, why is it this bad?" "It can't be that bad. Shouldn't you just think about pros and cons.. etc. etc. etc." Let me tell you, I could give you good advice when it comes to decision making but when it comes to me, all advice is lost. What if every decision you made in your life so far, turned out to be absolute shit? What if trying to pick the right decision next time, is still making you pick the wrong one? And then you sit there, thinking about all the wrong turns you've ever taken and the absolute hell you've been through because of them and everything you've lost. What if you would have taken a different turn? Where would you be now? Can you trust yourself with not picking the wrong one next time? You revisit. You rewind. You playback. It's like something hits the play, pause buttons repeatedly in your head. Even if this may already be the shit outcome, whos to say that there isn't a version of this with a worse ending? But can it be any worse? You try to make sense of it and put "what if" in front of the questions in your head. Nothing you ask yourself and nothing you answer yourself takes the edge off because you can't ever know the outcome of your decisions. No matter how many scenarios you play in your head. No matter how many lists you make. Sadly you are not Dr. Strange whos got trained at Kamar-Taj and are now in possession of the Time Stone, hidden within the eye of Agamotto. Because - and now hear me out - what if, if the true "what if" is just the universe using you as their own comedy/drama program. It's watching you taking wrong turns, over and over again as you hilariously crumble and you are just destined to take roads leading towards failure. This is your story. You may or may not be the main character, maybe you're just the chess piece for other peoples character development. But does it really matter when your genre isn't one with a happy ending? What if you start seeing everything in your life like this, and every splash of color the universe throws into your void, is just a prop to blend into the static around you. So in the end, maybe it isn't about if the decision is right or wrong anymore and more about which one sucks less or which one benefits others more.. Are you even making those decisions for yourself? Then again, what do you do when you are so done and tired of all these wrong turns? Humbled by the universe, standing in your void, not going anywhere, rodents playing in your stomach, the static noise and pictures drowning and choking you. Too frozen in place and unable to make any decisions because the fear of their outcome is just too great. What will it be? What will you do? And before you know it, that itself is a decision you'll have to make.
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