In this day and age, it's easy to get lost in reality and lie. At this point, who can even tell the difference anymore? What even matters and what doesn't? This is a curse for digital lovers, such as myself. Doing a days work, having a real life and seeing real life friends and family on a healthy basis. Hell, even HAVING a family. Going to events, having dinners together, enjoying the time spend together. Being content with something as simple as spending evenings in front of the TV with a beer or wine, excited for a certain movie and just.. experiencing fulfillment. You know, just living life. Sound familiar? Because it sure as fuck doesn't to me. There's a blurry line between digital and real life for some of us. A line that we theoretically speak about, but doesn't exist when you are in too deep and are not blessed with surroundings that remind you that there is a life beyond a screen.
Sometimes, it gets blurry when you spend your entire day behind the Computer Screen. You connect, you are there. You're immersed. Your mind is busy, distracted. But at some point you get up, turn away from the screen and look at the room you're in. It feels wrong. It starts weighing on you instantly. This is not where you want to be. It's a kind of loneliness that hits different. It's lonely, even if you just spend 16 hours behind a Screen without even exchanging a word with someone. But this IS reality. Yet, reality for you is also you, immersed in that Screen. A screen that is connecting countries, worlds, universes. Turning away from it, tears this invisible string apart. You're lost and you're cut off. This is your reality. This is your life and ultimately, there is just one life, no matter if others claim that you can't possibly have a life behind the blue light. Nothing fucking matters but this is it - life. One weird.. blob of.. waking up and wondering why this planet still sucks so god damn much.
To distract ourselves from this fact and to distract from a certain loneliness, we force ourselves out of bed, which in all honestly, can take either 5 minutes or 5 hours or doesn't happen at all. You sleep horrible. You have nightmares. You wake up tired. You kept waking up. You were thinking bad thoughts. Your head just doesn't want to shut the hell up. It's loud and the static noise in there is overwhelming. You debate whether to go back to sleep or not after this shit sleep you had. Sometimes, getting out of bed, is the biggest accomplishment you achieved that day. Because who or what the fuck do you get up for..? You're not like those "normal" people who seem to have it all figured out. Maybe they do. Maybe they don't. But living like them seems like a nightmare to you, you don't even want what they have. Not like that anyway. You want your own tailored version because their version seems like misery to you. Probably like your life looks like misery to them even though they seem to have a grip on things. Maybe they just have a whole different set of issues but at least they have balance. Balance, - can you imagine?
You know the word but you don't know what it actually feels like. With you, your day is usually decided right after your open your eyes when you wake up. It is either gonna be a full blown car crash or you thinking you are god, singing and dancing, motivated to do something more than just get out of bed. Let's not get crazy though. You get out of bed - I didn't say you'll leave the house. The horror... No, no. The day would instantly be ruined if you had to leave the house. You stick to just out of bed. Maybe thoroughly wash yourself like someone just baptized your soul so you can feel anew! Cook and.. fuck, even clean because "I do it tomorrow", (Translation: "I do it when I have the mental and physical energy for it") has finally arrived!
Oh what a glorious day to commit to your little projects. To actually enjoy whatever you're doing. A day where you don't feel physical pain and mental stabs into your brain from socializing and purely existing. A day where you can commit to a one hour phone call from your mother since you constantly feel guilty for not reaching out as much. But how do you explain that you don't even feel like existing for yourself on most days, so how are you supposed to give that kind of none existing energy to someone else? Jeez, maybe it's even a day for a phone call to your dad. Because today you can bench to hear once again, about everything that is wrong with you. It's a day where you are able to take and tank the constant words of what you should be doing better and that you are not right the way you are and that you make him worry. That you should be different and listen to an entire list of what kind of different you should be. A entire list of how you should look and dress, how you should act, even how you should wash yourself as a woman, because for some reason this is something you had to listen to since childhood, with very vivid examples. The list continues with what interests are acceptable, what you should eat and how your house is supposed to be decorated, how you should exist and who you are supposed to speak to and not to speak to, how you should care about things you dont care about and how to not care about things you do care about, - like your dead cat, that was your entire life, for example. I could go on but you get the idea by now. Can you imagine how absolutely nuts it would be to hear for once that you are okay just how you are? And not just hear constant complaints about yourself and literally everything, like there's nothing else to talk about. You would feel like freaking Pinocchio when he is becoming a real boy. You don't have to to be made out of wood.. or.. stone, granite, titanium, tungsten.. vibranium or amazonium anymore, to have all this shit thrown at you, bounce off of you. I said can you imagine. Let's not kid, because the blue fairy is never gonna come for you and turn you into a soft and real being. Nothing matters. This hardness is all you'll ever know because you have to. You are not allowed to let this, with precision build, guard down. Especially not for others to see.
So.. On this wonderful day, you have survived one or two or even more phone calls that you have been pushing. Marvelous, and you still have energy left. It's a miracle, a truly good day! You continue to feel the music in your weary bones. Nothing matters and you're on top of the world. There have been friends that have been wanting your attention. With friends I mean the people you've met online that you decided to make your chosen family. Some are more like distant relatives that could probably represent some weird uncle you tolerate. Others more like cousins that you have a great time with but can't take too much of. Then there is one that is like the.. adopted pet dog with the weird bark. But some mean much more than that, like a twin or a sibling you don't actually hate. These type of people know your dark. They accept your dark. Even understand it. And out of everyone of this entire list, are the last people you want to hurt or drag down with your bad days. Your mirror person deals with similar shit. They get it. While "nOrMaL" people can't understand these kinds of meaningful connections and label them as not real because they are online. Maybe they are right, maybe they are not. But this is your reality. This is you're life. Who's to say what is right, what is wrong. What is real and what is not. Like I've been saying.. Nothing fucking matters.
Now.. Your chores are done, phone calls are finished, socials have been socialized. Question is, do you devote your time now to those who mean the most to you? To make up for being a wreck and being MIA for a while? Or do you devote it to yourself, to do things you've been dying to do but did not find the motivation for it because it was somewhere ripped up and thrown into the gutter? Do you try to do both? No matter what you decide, the risk of this day turning, is getting bigger and bigger because you've already given - willingly or not willingly - a lot of energy and there is never a correct answer. A little inconvenience can ruin your entire special vibe you had going. Someone saying one wrong word. You, thinking one messed up thought. Critical Failure roll in luck striking you again and challenging your patience. Being misunderstood. Not getting what you so desperately want or need. So many things that can go sideways.. One. Wrong. Move. And it can fuck everything up and then the struggle begins again.. Will you be able to get out of bed the next day the same way you did today?
You know the toll all this has already put on you. You already gave everything you had to others. But maybe there's still enough in you to keep going. Maybe your day didn't get ruined. Maybe you had a great day. Maybe you had fun. Maybe the world behind the Screen was amazing today and maybe dancing around in your shelter, felt like you're in a godlike music video. Maybe you can fall asleep peacefully. And maybe, you can go on for another day..and another..and maybe another after that..? How great that would be. So what, you don't do the things "normal" people do, you don't feel what "normal" people feel. This is your life. This.. blob is yours and is all you have. Nothing matters. Sometimes all you can do is accept it and be fine with it and handle the day how it's been dealt. And when you have bad days where everything is just blurry and filled static, then all you can do is wish for the next day to be better.. Or the next.. Or the next.. Or the next.. Or next week.. Next..month?
Whatever you do, however your day goes. Hopefully life doesn't force you anywhere because if it does, that's already a pretty horrible start to the day. If it doesnt, then your whole existence is online. You need groceries? Online. Your socks have holes? Buy new ones online. Too lazy to cook? Order takeout online and dread having to see the delivery person because drones don't fly to your window with food yet. You want to listen to new music and find new songs? Online. Want to watch that new movie or show that just came out? Do it online. Want to watch it with friends? ONLINE. Wanna see about the latest news, significant or other? Read them online and wonder why Drake is throwing his pencil proudly around, thinking he did something there. You want to share those news? Do it online and laugh about it with your friends and have an absolute field day in the comment section. (Seriously though, best comment section of my life. I think it cured part of my depression. Just a tiny spec but alas that's better than nothing!) I drifted off a little bit here talking about Drakes Chopstick. (That's such an accurate word for it, if you saw what I saw.) Anyway. You get the gist. Bored and want to play a game? Do it online. Alone or with your friends. Want to learn something new? Do it online. Ah. What great invention.
And then for most things you don't even need to be online. You play your solo player games wholesomely on your own. You do your little art projects that seem to be piling up. You star and perform in your own little solo show all around the apartment. Bowing for the standing ovation you are making up in your head, because how slick was that dance move just now and your voice finally hit a note! Like Billy Idol said, nothing matters. (Point loosely taken.) Dancing with yourself is glorious. Whether you are online or not. You're still with a Screen anyway. It's part of you and you're okay with that because it feels empty when you are cut off from it. You know you can not exist in silence. You need a movie or music accompanying you through the day and night, so that god forsaken chewbacca in your head gets drowned the hell out and it doesn't feel like you're alone with the voice in your head. Trauma response who? As the digital lover you are, you're always with a Screen, no matter what you do.
You wake up, something you put on from when you went to sleep is still playing. It's the inaudible noise that gives you company and makes you feel at ease. It has to be something you're familiar with, something that gives you peace. Something you usually know so well that you could be a paid actor in it at this point. Because you learned all the lines and can play the entire thing in your head without even looking at it. And then, even after you get out of bed you need something on. Not to watch but so it's there while you do your things. Sometimes you let it play quietly, while even blasting music. It gives you the double comfort. You don't exist without background noise because you can't. You swap to bed? Phone. Handheld console. Tablet. TV. There is never not something being with you in some way.. But as soon as you put it down or turn away from it, you feel like you're cut off. You get anxious. Something is missing.. Your head gets loud.
So you keep picking things up. Your handheld, to tire you out more and force your body to pass out from exhaustion. You keep checking your phone, hoping that people know you still exist, even if you don't have the energy to reply to them, you hope for a connection. You hope for that someone, just magically knowing that you feel this way right now, in this moment. But nothing. You check again two minutes later. Nothing. You check socials but it doesn't satisfy. You swap again. Nada. Leave your phone unlocked next to you to see if something is happening but.. Nothing. It's like checking the fridge 10 times in a row, hoping that some food somehow appeared in there that you're actually in the mood for. Your phone locks and you don't want to be feeling crazy after tabbing on the screen every 9 minutes, 3 times, so it wouldn't automatically lock. Therefore you leave it untouched for a while. Usually you're fine with just the noises coming from your Screens and usually you're okay with being alone. You like this type of alone. You enjoy it. You don't want to be bothered. You thrive with it but on some days it feels so fucking lonely.. Like nothing matters. Still not tired enough, and the weight on you feels like 5 Madagascar Moto Motos are jumping on your head.
You check your phone - again. There is something. Other people connecting with each other. You want to jump in but you know you don't have the energy for this type of socializing. It's too much.. So you stay out of it. Then you see something but nothing of meaning. Nothing of depth. Nothing satisfying. What craziness could engage you and satisfy you anyway? A confession? Someone spilling the tea? Drama? Someone needing you? A specific person, whos attention you crave? As I write this. I have gotten multiple meaningless notifications. People posting snaps on their stories I could not care less for. You know what I mean. You already see the idiotic preview and don't want any part of it. Like, good for you "friend", did you mean to post that? You wanted people to see THIS? You wanted to look like you're being on drugs with unbrushed hair straight from the next door electrical socket barber shop? These type of notifications make you mad and bring out the worst of you. Even make you look mean but these are your own private thoughts. (Not so private anymore, duh.)
You don't care for these people you haven't talked to in 7 years, that always just saw you as a piece of meat they tried to achieve but failed. You don't care for this stupid app you barely use. But then, because you're bored or maybe because you were feeling too mean towards these people in your head, you do something that never happens. You go and check those snaps on their story to see if your mean thoughts were justified. Just.. To.. Find.. Out.. You can get meaner. Great, another man without a fucking shirt on, babbling about whatever is coming out of his mouth. I can't hear, I'm too distracted by the camera angle. Recorded. From. Below. People please, stop that. No one looks good from below. What is it with men using this camera angle? This only looks good on people who won the genetic lottery. A filter can save us but no one needs that kind of self esteem crusher of "what could be" and have the false confidence shattered as soon as the filter turns off. Somehow you got to credit him. Is it bravery? Stupidity? Maybe he doesn't care. But people that don't care, don't sit in front of their phone camera for a minute, babbling to others. Or maybe this is how he deals with his own loneliness. But then again, can't you deal with it, with a god damn shirt on? Now let's see, whats this other guy posting? Oh, awesome. Typical shirtless gym picture. Again, the no shirt thing. At least this one is in the gym but no one wants to see this. Do women even like this? Next on his story he is posting weird selfies in weird poses in weird outfits, talking about his only fans. Being a certain way, no matter if generally attractive or not, will apparently give you this kind of attention, if you ask for it. No thank you. But you go dude. Hope you make it big. (Ah. See what I did there? After all, my humor is not dead but I am indeed an asshole. Good that nothing matters). That's what being damaged and being bitter will do to you but it will also make you fight like a lion for those you actually care for. You just don't care for bullshittery and false kindness or things that are not meant.
You close that app now. You don't want to see more of this and the lack of shirts. Putting those mean thoughts back into pandoras box because the true reason you are having those thoughts is that you are lowkey pissed. Pissed that the only reason you even opened this overrated app, was to see if the one and only person you talk to on there and have a streak with, still hasn't opened your messages. Ah, the cruelty in it all. You put your phone down in frustration once again.. Try to do anything else but your adhd brain can't just stare at the current movie playing or keep itself busy with the game your playing in bed to tire yourself out. Closing your eyes, hoping you'll fall asleep is only prompting your head to get louder. You still have more focus to give. There is still activity left in you as long as your limbs are able to move. So again, you check for those messages of only selected people. There is some. You're not strong enough to answer and your head is tired but you like that people think of you. It feeds the current loneliness that you are feeling, just a little. You crave for more but if you give in to the thoughts of what you wish for, you curl yourself up to a ball again, trying not to cry. It started as or became one of those days where you feel it all heavier than usual. Where you feel like you care much more than anyone else.. Between you and I, I also prefer the "I am a god" days much more because this other shit? It's all just torture. The "nothing matters.." ball stance I'll gladly replace with the "nothing matters!" god stance. Ah, it would have been some much better to wake up as a god.
You keep rolling around in bed. Unlocking your phone over and over again. Did that person text you..? Is it something meaningful? You are looking for some magic. With a life like yours, you need it, you count on it, you're dependant on it. Looking for something that makes you feel something. Some sort of emotion, to give to the emotion eating void within you. Something that satisfies you, something that makes you feel at ease and feeds you for a good sleep and/or for a good next day. That void wakes up hungry. That void will become hungry throughout the day. It needs to be fed. Right now, it feels like the void has been hungering for quite a while and is in a state of constant starvation. It's been a while and you desperately need a top up. You need it more than others. You need it more frequently than others and you wonder if you are asking for too much. A final fantasy game once promoted that magic is commonplace. How absolutely great this truth would be. But alas, magic is not, in fact, commonplace.
You can ask for it. It can still be magic if you ask for it and receive it but begging for it, asking over and over again and getting crumbs if even anything? It's a short twinkle at best. Especially when you have been giving magic. You grow tired and stop believing in it but never stop hoping for it. You're asking for something, you sometimes feel like you don't even deserve, especially when even your best is your worst. Maybe what you're asking for, is just not possible in YOUR weird tiny blob universe. Not for weird you. This is your normal and you have hope and you try to protect it. But you wonder if you're asking for something that does not even exist and you also wonder, how long it will take until even that last speck of hope you're holding on to, is snuffed out. What will it take?
All you get is fake trailers of movies that will never be released. I'm afraid I have to explain this metaphor because people take things too literal and there is no space to be philosophic anymore. It's glimpses of what could be. Scenarios, thoughts and words that have been created but have not been acted out on. Words are a huge source of magic, you open worlds with them, as I am doing it right now. There is so much power to it and yet, not many are able to wield it. They are throwing words around carelessly. Cruel. Words, without meaning. Words, without intention. Words, without action. Words, a cute band-aid, a sneak-peek, a snippet, a trailer of what could be real but will never be released. The things unsaid. The things said. The expectations raised. It becomes something you await, something you yearn for, something you crave and hope for but never becomes reality. There is a possibility but experiences have this percentage cut down immensely. It's the life you chose..Or is it? Who are you to hope for magic..right? Is magic earned..? But did you not earn it? All these questions. No answers. Nothing matters.
You give selected people a guide that was hard for you to share in the first place. Harder than they ever even realize. You are showing them what is inside and you show them your scars that you've accepted. You are showing them what you need, to heal some of the damage done. You show them what you need, in hope there is more to this life. You show them that instead of saying "fuck the world" you say "help me help myself". You give them a cheatbook and they pretend to understand it but then act like you've never given them all the solutions to these issues you bring to the table. They say one thing but do another. They don't have patience with you. They apologize but apologies without change is manipulation. And then they paint themselves as the victim, instead of hearing you. You are expressing your feelings, and they take your moment and change it around. They could voice their thoughts and feelings any other time but they decide to do it, when you are voicing yours, belittling your emotions. Intentional or not intentional does not matter, this is it's own type of disrespect. You are a piece of work and those issues, those needs and you, are package deal. You made this very clear. And yet, you're always left alone to deal with them yourself, making the process take longer. You have shown that the emotion eating monster within you, needs to be fed regularly. It is deprived and after everything you've been through and how you grew up, this is no surprise. So how hard can it be? You've been giving magic, why cant you receive it back? Is it a lack of interest? Saying is easier than doing but a band-aid of pretending is not going to help. Is it too hard? They know you need it, so why are they unable to come up with things, to give you the magic you crave? I know what you are thinking now: "But, but, but, but..self love.. But, but, but.. You can't expect someone else to fix you." No one ever said you don't love yourself. You are your biggest fan and you accepted all the good and bad that comes with you. You don't want to be fixed. You want to be loved, the way you are. You wan't to be shown that you are okay, the way you are. You want to be SHOWN that you are loved. Sometimes, YOU telling YOURSELF, is not enough. Not when there is people around you, that are supposed to tell and show you.
If the people you are allowing at your table can't do this, why are they even seated? They don't know but like this, their time is limited. You have seen this little show too many times before and frankly, it is getting boring and your patience with it is growing shorter each time. Your attention needs to be kept and renewed. You need to be won over - over and over again. You need to be shown interest. You need to be proven worth. You get bored with it all too quickly. For you, repetition - is poison. Routine - is tiresome. Patterns - are boring. You need spontaneity. You need to be surprised. You need to be wowed like the very first time they talked to you. You need to be impressed. You need all of it. Regularly. One of the things that you hate the most, is if something becomes normal. If something becomes ordinary, it's something thats hunting you. You don't want it to feel like this. You need to be made feel special. You need to feel loved. R e g u l a r l y. You need to not being taken for granted. They need to keep you on your toes. And no, you are not asking for too much because you have earned this. After all the shit you had to put up with for so long. You deserve this and you're not being that *unreasonable*. You are asking for little things. Little reminders. Creativity. Brain usage. Shown emotions. Actions. Little things that could easily be build into daily life if they cared to put the effort. You are not asking for a literal trip to the moon. (But a imaginative one could be nice). Of course you would never say no to a grand gesture either, since you have yet to experience one. (That will most likely never happen but well.. your little speck of hope is still in your hands.) Also, you are not asking for it when the other person is also in need of it, the one thing you are not, is selfish. You know that you are capable of giving magic but you also know that you won't give any anymore if you are not getting any either. The ideal scenario is coming up with things for each other, daily. Adapting it. You might say: "BUT THAT IS ROUTINE! YOU HATE ROUTINE!" I am not saying to do the same thing every day. I am saying to choose each other. Keep earning each others affections and appreciation by showing it and doing so.
Maybe that other person doesn't need the constant reminder and doesn't need it as much as you. But you made yourself clear about yourself, about your damage and about your needs. About the fact that you get bored with people very quickly if your interest is not being kept and you are not being entertained enough. A spot at this table is earned, no matter how damaged it may be. They eat your food, they get your attention and energy and they take their seat for granted, just as the ones before them have. Everyone has a breaking point, they will find out yours. If you are being made feeling like you are too much. Like you are asking to much, they are chipping away at the little ball of hope you have left. And to protect it, you remove what is trying to destroy it. You give the chances until you take them away. You ask for magic and you won't settle for less than that. You won't settle for twinkles. You won't settle for "good enough" or "fine". And if you're the only one left, then so be it but at least you don't have to live with the constant questions of, if you are enough, if you are good enough, if you are loved, if you are appreciated, if you are not too much. Then nothing matters. Because for yourself, you know that you are exactly okay the way you are. If there is no one to give you what you crave and need then at least you are not met with expectations and disappointment.
This text is all over the fucking place. Enjoy the mess, that is my mind. As I'm enjoying the burn in my fingers of writing all this. With all that being said, I will take my leave, in hopes of waking up tomorrow, feeling like a motherfucking god and staying one.
Congratulations! If you managed to read all this. Maybe there is hope for you yet and your seat at the table is safe. It's up to you what you'll do with it. Please don't ruin my little speck of hope and my wish for magic. Please don't be another disappointment in my story. Don't let me keep feeling like nothing matters.
28582 letters. Nice.
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