It's one of those days. You know which ones I'm speaking of? Most of you probably don't and it's for the better. This one second that snaps your whole mind around and changes your whole day. Why does it happen and what triggered it you may ask? Sometimes nothing at all. Sometimes something trivial. Sometimes something deep. Today it was a reminder that there is more out there than just the shelter of my own 4 walls and myself. Mostly I don't need more than that. Mostly this is enough for me. Mostly this is perfectly fine. But today..it wasn't.. Someone who doesn't understand what this will do to you will say now 'What do you do about it? Go out and explore.' Oh, how I wish. Let's be honest. Reality will never meet the expectations. It just doesn't work this way. Not for *us* atleast. So now you probably wonder 'What did you do instead?' If you insist, I shall answer you this question. I can't promise you that you won't cringe. I also can't promise you that you will like the answer. And I can't promise that it will make sense. Here it goes. I've layed there thinking about why I feel the way I feel. Why I feel this way now. How it could be and how different my day could look. I kept telling myself it's not a big deal and that everything is okay but my mind had other plans. Though I didn't want to give in so easily. I got up and ended up staring at my computer screen.. Just.. Staring at my computer screen. Wondering and hoping that someone would pop up and change my day for the better. Hoping for someone to magically know that something is wrong and to say exactly the right things. But as I mentioned before.. Reality never meets our expectations.. I started wandering off, looking into my fridge. Was I hungry? Was I bored? I didn't eat much.. So.. I guess I was hungry? Or was I? Yes, this is what your mind will do to you. This, and play little tricks on you. Like making you see things for a split second, then make them disappear the next. Things that aren't even there. Hey! Feel like you're going crazy yet? I think about everything and I'm not even sure anymore what is right and wrong and what I actually feel. What I can feel is pain crawling slowly into my head and wandering into every corner of my brain like it is lost. And instead of trying to find its way out, it decides to use my cells as a fun Rollercoaster of hell. Of course it was bound to happen. Thinking this much about so many different things all at once, questioning absolutely everything and fighting back most of my thoughts to keep them at bay, doesn't come without a cost. Now, not knowing if I'm hungry or not, or just in too much pain to eat, I went back where I started - to lay on my bed. Exhaustion and the headache overpowering my body, slowly but steadily. Losing the fight against my mind. I hope exhaustion will take over the little villain in my head after it is done with my shell and put it to rest. So I can shut down and sleep in a place where my mind plays different tricks on me. My eyes pasted on the ceiling and I'm wondering how to get out of this black box now that it had trapped me. Maybe with someones help? Should act like everything is fine until it is again or should I talk about this sea of diarrhea in my brain with someone. But who would understand? Who can understand when I can't understand myself? Most important..I don't feel like getting judged because I damn well know, most people will never be able to feel and know what I'm talking about. So here I am now. On my bed, writing these words to the ghost in my head. Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted? Me giving in to you? Is this how you imagined it to be? You took the whole day from me. You trapped me for now, enjoy this torture for the time being but know that I can imagine how the brightest, most colorful and prettiest lights might look like.. Or maybe it is exactly this thought, that makes this box so dark.. Today you won. We'll see about tomorrow.
To be continued, my invisible companion.
