I have the topic for this blog entry in my head and everything makes sense in my brain, but let me give you a visual how the words look like in my cabin of madness: oedhfsjfna eiosdnbgkjs bdfejgwg ajshdiweuha faejfsevsehgtzppoqc. Pretty accurate if you ask me, is this what they call from head to paper? (That saying doesn't even exist, does it? Well, I just invented it. "From head to paper." - Illusive Chameleon, 2022.) Anyway, let me try to work this through. (At 6:39 am. Obviously I haven't slept yet because I can apparently just write in the middle of the..night..?) To be honest, the fact that it's almost 7 am and the fact that I haven't slept yet is a good start of painting this picture. My behavior is not deemed 'normal' and often it makes me question if I should change my ways for societies sake. The thing is.. why though? I am happy with the way I am, shouldn't "society" let me be? Then again, Serial killers are probably happy too and that is definitely not deemed normal by anyone. (Damn, brain. Really? Serial killer example?) Okay, that example might have been a bit.. far-fetched..? Extreme? I don't even know. Okay, okay, okay, it was a bad example. Since I'm not actually doing something bad to anyone - oThEr ThAn MySeLf -. (Thank you brain, I fixed it with a logical answer.)
Back to the topic. It's these things, like staying up all night, sleeping all day, never going outside, not wanting to interact with people in the real world, avoiding your phone, so you won't have to get in any social interactions. Getting stomach aches and anxiety attacks days before you have to go out for an appointment. Hell, even waiting for the middle of the night to take out the trash because then you don't run into any neighbors and such. Not wanting to be like old classmates that are stable in life, maybe married and popped out a couple of babies. (Ugh. The horror!) I should stop with these examples, I'm emotionally stripping here right now and revealing too much of my "non-normal- antics". What would those old classmates think of me, knowing how I'm actually like behind that perfectly staged Facebook picture? Jealousy? Judgement? It's for sure gonna be the latter. Because the ultimate goal in life for "normal" people seem to be a stable job, an apartment/house, being with someone, get married, get kids. Meanwhile, even writing that gives me the hives. It's a bit ridiculous of me to say I want my life to be an adventure. (It's ridic because I just told you I don't ever leave the house.) I don't mean the kind of adventure like jumping off of a building, but more the adventure in my own home. My goals and dreams are so very different. I want my stream to be successful, to be accepted for who I am. Sure, I do wanna live in a nice place and not have to worry about money, but on top of that.. I wanna be left alone. I want freedom. I want to sleep whenever I want. I want to wake up whenever I want and not have it matter to anyone. I want fun times and happiness with a handful of people that get me and don't want to twist me into the version they want me to be and expect me to be available on demand, I want it to be alright if I disappear off the radar for a couple of days. I want people not to cause a scene,like the world is ending just because I don't feel like responding, and threaten me with leaving unless I change. I want to cook in the middle of the night when I feel like it. I want to blast and dance to the weirdest music and sing along, possibly horribly. I want to binge 15 episodes of a series just because I like it. I wan't to sleep in the starfish position in my own bed. I want to man spread on my couch while playing games and eating chips, chocolate and ALL the snacks like a nasty pig. I want to stay in bed all day with zero self-care, looking like a gollum-chewbacca mix when depression hits hard once again, and just take time to heal without being judged. I want those things to be "normal". I want those things to be okay.
But none of this is okay to barely anyone. I'm a black sheep in my family. A black sheep on this planet. All my life, people have made me feel a certain way. "You're a girl, dress like one." "You're a girl, don't play video games." "Sell all your trash, why do you even need this? It's clutter. It's weird and doesn't look nice." (Towards all my collectors items, my nerd collection, video games and consoles being on display.) "Tattoos won't look good when you are old. Tattoos are for disgusting people." (?????? Nothing on us looks good when we are old, stfu. I guess I'll be a disgusting old woman one day then.) "Dressing up like a character is not normal, you're not a kid." (Haven't you heard? Cosplay seems to be cool now. You're welcome!) "Colored hair is for druggies and alcoholics, it doesn't look good!" "Stop dreaming, you live in a cloud, it's not normal." "What is this music? Are you satanic?" (Listening to rock and metal.) "Are you emo? Are you gonna cut yourself? Are you gonna kill yourself?" (Directed at my depressions I've been having since childhood. Huh, wonder why?) "I worry about you, you have issues." "What is this outfit? Why do you dress like that?" "What if someone sees you?" "Your music taste is weird" (Listening to anything that is not english.) "Why can't you be normal?" "What you do is not normal. You need to get out more!" (WHY?! FOR WHAT REASON? IM PERFECTLY FINE IN HERE. I even air out! :) ..) "Act your age" (How about you don't act your age, you bored specimen of a human?) "You have mental issues, that's not right." (Oh my! Thank you. You cured me! That magically helped! Not.)
I seriously could keep going with all the things I get slapped with. Why do those people think they get a say in who I am? In who I want to be? In who I'm supposed to be? About what I want? About what's supposed to make me happy? I'm not harming them with my behaviour, so why do they care? I do not need to fit in their world. The worst thing you can do to me is put me in a box and repeat my day the same way every day. The worst thing you can do to me is a schedule, a pattern. I can't and I won't follow. It's not in me. I would and will ruin everything, risk everything, over breaking out of that pattern. Yes. I'm not deemed normal, but I like myself, and I won't change for anyone just to fit into this box society created, then called it standard and normal. I don't want to be like you. I don't care that I don't fit in. I don't want to be your version of normal. Though some days even I get pushed to think "What is wrong with me?" "It would be easier if I was normal." "If I was different, I could do this." "What if I could get fixed? How would I be?" If there wasn't 'normal' and 'not normal', those thoughts would not even exist. We would be one step closer to being alright in our skin and one step closer with being alright with each other. Seems like I did a little emotional strip for you guys after all, I hope you're entertained! In the end, I just wanna be okay by being myself instead of trying to force myself to be something that I don't want to be and keep those characteristics, goals and dreams you deem abnormal. I'm okay with that, and if you're not, well, tough luck. I'll rather be a black sheep. Good night.
I love your boobies